AMY ACTON – PUBLIC HEALTH FINAL BOSS
CLASS: Cool Drunk Aunt
HEIGHT: 5′ 7″
WEIGHT: Of a pandemic on her shoulders.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
- Disappointed Mom Stare
- Emergency Press Conference
- Doctor’s Note
- Drinking Game Champ
WEAKNESS: Any Ohio Facebook group created in 2020
FINISHING MOVE: Patiently waiting for opponent to fuck up.
VIVEK RAMASWAMY – LINKEDIN FINAL BOSS
CLASS: Billionaire Tech Bro
HEIGHT: 5’4″ (+10 in. for hair)
WEIGHT: 75 lbs + 400 lbs of self-confidence
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
- Limitless Funding
- Expert Panderer
- Going “Mega Mind Mode”
- Elon Musk Impression
WEAKNESS: A question that cannot be answered with the word “woke”.
FINISHING MOVE: Turns your public school into a venture capital think tank lab.
TECH BRO v. DOCTOR AUNT
Winner Receives: Four years in Columbus and unlimited opportunities to say “Ohio’s best days are ahead.”
SHERROD BROWN – UNIONIZED COMEBACK KID
CLASS: Union Boss
HEIGHT: Two steel mills standing on top of each other
WEIGHT: Big bag of union-made lapel pins.
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
- Canary Summoning
- Innate Clevelander “There’s Always Next Year” Mentality
- Raspy Voice (MAX LEVEL)
WEAKNESS: Megaphone feedback
FINISHING MOVE: Platitudes about the spirit of Ohio
JOHN HUSTED – APPOINTED DLC CHARACTER
CLASS: Suburban Phenotype
HEIGHT: Three corporate interests stacked in a trench coat
WEIGHT: One Amazon Distribution Center
SPECIAL ABILITIES:
- Data Center Summoning
- Ribbon-Cutting Frenzy
- Huge ass for donor’s hands to reach in and puppeteer him.
WEAKNESS: Sweet tooth 🙂
FINISHING MOVE: Rikishi’s Iconic Banzai Drop (Look it up)
INCUMBENT v. FORMER INCUMBENT
Winner Receives: The remainder of a Senate term with Bernie Moreno :((((
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