Among the billionaires, politicians, and British royalty named in the Justice Department’s latest release of the Jeffrey Epstein Files was prominent Cleveland mascot, Brownie the Elf. 

Brownie has consistently affirmed that he had a falling-out with Epstein and kicked him out of the team’s headquarters in Berea, about two decades ago. Now, the recently released files report that the almost 80-year-old mythical creature visited Epstein’s Island roughly 20 times over five years, from 2008 to 2013. 

“Eh, only 20 times, those are rookie numbers,” said Jimmy Haslam while slurping up a bowl of oatmeal at his Brook Park evil lair. “In our conversations, Brownie detailed his commitment to leading our team; he understands and embraces the hard work needed to rebuild his name both in the community and on the field. He has been one of the top mascots in the league for an extended period now.” 

“If anything, these allegations show his commitment to growing our team and brand on an international scale. He is ready to put in the hard work needed to help our team improve and make a positive impact in our community. We are pleased to announce we are signing Brownie to a $300 million extension.”

“Not at all surprising,” said Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson, a proven upstanding citizen and pillar of the community, coming off his own $300 million extension. “Brownie is the biggest freak I know. I couldn’t tell you what he gets up to in the practice facility after hours.”

Brownie the Elf refused to comment when approached by The Peirogi.