According to the latest plans released by the Cleveland Clinic, the main campus area in Cleveland’s Fairfax neighborhood is in for a major makeover soon. “While other institutions are worried about improving healthcare options and providing excellent service, our main focus is parking revenue,” said one top Clinic official who asked to remain anonymous. “We plan to cure the neighborhood’s problems by replacing it with more parking.”

The existing campus in the Fairfax neighborhood, spanning 150 acres and 79 buildings, will be demolished to make way for the proposed parking garage, along with the neighborhood’s homes, businesses, and historic institutions. When asked about the decision behind one giant structure, a spokesperson for the Clinic simply stated, “Because we fucking can.” 

Neighborhood residents have pushed back at the idea, saying replacing their lives and history for parking is short-sighted. One resident, Anita Johnson, said she has to deal with traffic from the Clinic daily and doesn’t feel her home should be destroyed. “I don’t get any sleep because all I hear are car doors and sirens, and because I no longer have a home.” The Cleveland Clinic has responded to the neighborhood concerns by saying, “We remain dedicated to being a world-class healthcare institution, but only if you park in our garages.”

Clinic officials contend that the plan would increase their parking revenue, enabling them to charge lower inpatient service rates. If constructed, it would be the largest parking structure in the entire world. The next-largest parking garage in Alberta, Canada, holds about 20,000 vehicles. 

When asked about the plan, Cleveland’s City Council President simply responded, “No comments at this time.”