Thanks to hard-hitting investigative journalism at The Pierogi, we’ve obtained an unredacted copy of the City of Cleveland’s proposal to host the Olympic and Paralympic Winter Games in 2038. Turning the City into the ultimate winter playground.

The proposal showcases the City’s extensive efforts to secure the coveted honor of hosting the Olympic Games. From transforming the Cleveland-Cliffs industrial flame into a monumental Olympic torch to debuting new urban events like unshoveled sidewalk navigation, the City of Cleveland promised a uniquely Rust Belt Olympic experience.

Politicians, business executives, and major league franchise owners drafted the bid, writing that “what Cleveland lacks in physical terrain is made up for by our historically stable weather,”  citing lake effect snow as a natural, renewable asset that would “eliminate the need for artificial snowmaking.” While Olympic experts say the brutally cold temperatures are detrimental to the games, local experts say “it’s just the wind.”

Cleveland’s grit, history, and culture would be on full display, with the Olympic torch already in place at the Cleveland-Cliffs flare stack in Slavic Village. When pressed for comment, organizers noted, “We don’t think this would cost any extra because it always seems to be burning for some reason.” In fact, the authors of the proposal wrote in one paragraph that “Cleveland has a long and valued history of things catching on fire.”

Also unveiled are the ambitious concepts for new urban-winter events that would take place in a Cleveland-hosted Winter Olympics. Those new games would include:

Transit Delay Endurance:

How long can one stand in the wind waiting for RTA to arrive? Options range from “2 Minutes” to “Unavailable”.

Coat Pile Search:

Attendees exiting a party race to find their winter gear in a seemingly bottomless pile of others.

Snow Plow Pile Ski Jump:

The proposed venue, the Steelyard Commons parking lot, is cited as “Competition Ready” with no additional construction required.

Unshoveled Sidewalk Navigation:

Cleveland’s authentic pedestrian experience is a naturally occurring obstacle course.

It seems not all are in agreement, however, as commentary from local leaders highlights Cleveland’s lack of capacity to host the games, citing minimal venue space, the lack of international appeal of Brook Park, opposition from residents, and no chance of community benefits. Olympic Officials responded with praise for Cleveland’s lack of preparation as “authentically on-brand for the host city experience.” 

The new Cleveland Browns’ stadium will not be ready for the 2038 games. Olympic officials noted that it is located outside the city limits and does not meet the requirements to host the opening ceremony. 

When asked what makes this bid different than the failed 1916 and 1920 Summer Olympic bids, a City spokesperson responded, “Well, we had way more people back then. Now we have a lot more space for random things like ice slides, I mean, have you checked out the slip n’ slide luge on W 25th?”