In an exclusive two-hour conversation at his lakefront estate, the creature formally known as “Monster” insists they are a changed serpent. Despite a centuries-long reputation of destroying vessels and ruining beach days, the snakelike figure that has terrorized Lake Erie since 1817 is finally toning down the rhetoric.

“I am a decent guy when you get to know me,” said the Lake Erie Normal Nice Guy. “I’m almost halfway done reading Infinite Jest, and I’ve realized how selfish I’ve been, or something. I really hope the city can embrace me for the upstanding mythical figure that I truly am. I will do my best to be a good listener as I put in the work to right my wrongs.”